The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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