im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
