Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
