i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Semen is not good for contacts.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
