I think I won the penis lottery.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am midnight drunk by noon
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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