Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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