Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
