Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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