Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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