We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
