I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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