There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
