My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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