The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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