420 ftw
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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