Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
