Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
