The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
