If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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