Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
