Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
