Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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