I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
