I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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