i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
