Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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