dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
