I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
