the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
