if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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