What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
