My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
