I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
