I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
