My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
