I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
