I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
