my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
