YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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