my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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