if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
