I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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