I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
