1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
