someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
