You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
