So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
