Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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