Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
