she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
