did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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