I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
