I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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